I'm sitting here hooked up to the pump, enjoying my morning cup of coffee, watching Regis and Kelly (because no matter how many times I watch I still can't get it in my head that the title is now Kelly and Michael), enjoying a few mindless minutes of Candy Crush while baby takes her morning nap.
As I swap those candy tiles, my mind is racing trying to come up with a good blog idea. I have a list of ideas stored for when I can't think of what to write, but none of them appeal to me today. All of a sudden I am tearing up and I realize that the darn college acceptance commercial is on again. You know the one. It's all the video clips of high school kids who are opening their college acceptances and realizing they got in. And to me, many of those kids look like kids for whom college is going to be a life-changer, but I'm just inferring here. I remember the release of stress that comes with that first acceptance, thank God someone wants me! And now it's not just some tears, it's full on crying. Their lives are going to be so much betttttttttt-teeeeeeeeeeeer-errrrrrrrrrrr! Sob, sob, sniff. They're so haaaaaap-ppppppy!
And I suddenly realize the absolute worst thing that has happened to me since being pregnant. It's not the changes to my body, it's not the lack of sleep, changing the poopy messes, and the constant spit up. It's the fact that I have turned into an emotional mess. I have always been stoic. I don't show emotions, I don't talk about my feelings, I used to never cry unless I was super stressed or exhausted. In high school I actually managed to get my mom to let me go on a school trip to Costa Rica by crying about it, that's how rare my tears were. Now I cry at the drop of a college acceptance.
If I'm being brutally honest, the college acceptance cry was actually the second time I teared up this morning. I looked up an old YouTube video of a flash mob dance that a group of teachers is going to perform at school for the end of the year talent show this year:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSOgVgM7CDc
Our version is much simpler, but you get the idea. Once I watched the Jai Ho video, YouTube lead me to a few other flash mob videos. And as I watched a few more, again I found myself getting teary. It's just so awesome to me these groups that break out into dance! And again, they're so haaaaaap-ppppppy! They're having so much fuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuun! For crying out loud, it makes me hate myself!
The first sign that things were getting bad was probably when Steve and I started going to a new church a few months before Evelyn was born. The church we picked has one of the most amazing choirs I have ever heard in my life. There are anywhere from 50-100 members singing on any given Sunday. It is beautiful. I want to cheer and applaud every single time they sing, but I guess that isn't appropriate in the middle of service. Every single time we went before Evelyn was born, and even on Easter when they sang the Hallelujah Chorus, I found myself crying. Thank goodness we had a burp cloth with us on Easter because I needed to blow my nose.
Last week I actually managed to make it through the whole service without getting emotional and I considered it a major milestone. And when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed another woman wiping away tears after the choir sang, I realize that maybe, just maybe, it's ok to be emotional.
It's okay! :)
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